you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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