i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
