Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
