I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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