his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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