Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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