Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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