a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She's the barista slut.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
