I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
