Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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