Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
