How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
