i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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