last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
