Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
