Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
