There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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