You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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