dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We have so much sex to catch up on
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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