I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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