Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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