If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
