The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
