I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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