the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
