so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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