Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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