pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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