I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
