I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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