Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we're making bets on your personal life
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
