very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
