I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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