We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
