I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize