How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
