Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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