My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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