you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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