just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
