Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
