Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Randomize
