I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
