you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
