did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I love you. Go after that dick
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
