i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
