Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Randomize
