Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
