Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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