Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
