I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
