I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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