I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
