just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
