Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
