I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
