That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
