1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
