Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
