I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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