Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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