So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
