i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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