Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
